The seventies were a time of confusion in my childhood. I was terrified of the Shah of Iran who I thought lived down the street from my grandparents. I didn't understand why my father was angry all of the time. I didn't understand why my uber glamorous mother went from a social butterfly back into a cocoon of her own making. I was stalked by a distant family member, removed by his own decisions. When we moved to the country when I was nine, it was a huge change. The hustle and bustle was gone. Our neighbors were nearly non-existent. I had no problem fitting in with the other students in "the city" but here I was tormented and teased due to having too many clothes and sometimes even designer labels. Despite that there was a feeling of calm. The eighties were a time of excess and really YOLO. We consumed too many calories, spent money that we didn't have in the eternal chase after the Jones. This is where I started to see my mother truly separate herself from the world. My childhood while not wildly happy was a fruitful one. I had pretty much anything that I wanted and more. Somehow I got this twisted with happiness as I grew up. Living in the ultimate suburbia didn't make my mother happy and neither did a new car in the driveway every two years. Not even when my father moved us to the country on her demand, she wasn't happy. Despite this, I thought that when I grew up that I would have it all figured out. I was going to be "more" than just a housewife and work a terribly fulfilling job that would make me happy. I pictured the nuclear family with even more trappings that I had grown up with because of course there would be even more money to go around. The irony of this really didn't hit me for years. I had a midlife crisis a few years ago. While most of my feelings during that time have changed I still find myself floundering. I have accomplished a lot since then and I am proud of myself. But, I still feel like a child inside most of the time. With my health problems causing further emotional distress sometimes it's a struggle just to look people in the eye and attempt a smile as I walk down the hallway at work. A great deal of this is my job. I loathe my job. Of course like all things some days are better than others but the majority of them suck. I truly work for the weekend and my time to be alone where it's truly quiet with my ideas and my art. I was raised to get a job with a pension and you would be taken care for life. By the time I made my "late" entry into the real work force pensions were largely a thing of the past. The recession and technology has basically killed the industry that I work in. I don't see much more time left for the core products I initially sold. Yeah, i'm a sales person. Previously a very well paid sales person, now a barely scraping by sales person. The job in no way makes me happy or fulfills me. There are positions that could possibly be created or if someone dies maybe a position may open up that I could deal with. I've been with my current company for a decade and cling to it for dear life because I see the world changing. I make less than my parents did and I see this trend only getting larger because so many entry level positions will soon be eliminated. Our world is merging into very uncomfortable territory. At a time where communication is key, we get the wrong kind of communication. Open up a newspaper or magazine and there are fucking Kardashian's everywhere. Meanwhile you have a monster like Donald Trump getting serious political stroke and most are ignorant to how dangerous this megalomaniac is. For the last two years I have hunkered down and clung even harder to my employer. Various managers who could see just how miserable I have been have asked me why I don't seek work outside of this company. Well, because I have seniority and don't want to throw away a decade of my life. I like my benefits package even though my financial compensation is pitiful for the work that is done. I don't want to lose the massive amount of paid vacation time that I get each year. I'm up to 12 weeks now. It was only a few weeks ago that I came to terms with the fact that this will too end. While the unknown is terrifying, it is certain. I finally came to terms with the fact that what I want to do will most likely never yield me the monetary freedom I desire. I want to be a working artist. Soooooo much easier said that done. I started researching this as well as share space. Yesterday, I finally found a viable option for this. I am beyond excited and ,yeah, scared too. But I feel like a different version of myself now. The self that I once knew that had hopes and dreams. The, me, that I never became due to starting a family so young. It's my time. I keep saying that. It's time to start believing that. For the first time I am not making my parents or my grandparents dreams and goals my own. I couldn't be them if I tried and they sure couldn't and wouldn't want to be me. For a reasonably bright woman I can be soooo stupid sometimes. Maybe I won't always feel like I want to run away if I am living the life that I was always supposed to live.
The local rock group down the street
Is trying hard to learn their song
Serenade the weekend squire, who just came out to mow his lawn
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Charcoal burning everywhere
Rows of houses that are all the same
And no one seems to care
See Mrs. Gray she's proud today because her roses are in bloom
Mr. Green he's so serene, He's got a t.v. in every room
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Here in status symbol land
Mothers complain about how hard life is
And the kids just don't understand
Creature comfort goals
They only numb my soul and make it hard for me to see
My thoughts all seem to stray, to places far away
I need a change of scenery
Ta Ta Ta...
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Charcoal burning everywhere
Another Pleasant Valley Sunday
Here in status symbol land
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