Lonely In My Nightmare..............

  I am terrified of being hurt.  Not just scared but pathologically terrified.  I will do almost anything to manage the level of hurt I will sustain.  I self sabotage relationships left and right and I am completely unwilling to let anyone new "in".  Oh, it may appear that I have.  As a matter of fact, I dare you to point out when I am blocking and deflecting you.  Even as I am snuggled next to you or i'm on top of you with your hands tangled in my hair.  A part of me is missing. I am always looking for the "out".  I like being alone.  I am seldom lonely.  I would imagine the times that I am lonely or lonesome is when most are.  When I'm sick or in pain.  I want someone to just sit next to me, talking quietly and slowly rub their hand on my back.  I want someone to tell me a story while holding my hand.  That's when my true vulnerability creeps out.  Part of the reason that I am so safely ensconced in my single life is the, "Fantastic Four".  Big props to Brian for their new nickname.   I've dated a lot of men in my life.  More than was probably healthy or needed.  From the rubble, four managed to earn my love and my hate.  They managed to break down the walls and for that I have always felt that they deserved something.  Some loyalty or credit.  The truth is that I have clung to them because I know what to expect.  As the men that have scarred me the most, I figured that it can't get any worse than what they did/do to me.  I started out last year with four of them.  By the end of summer, I was down to three.  I was comfortable in that until a few weeks ago.  I went on a mini road trip from hell with one and afterwards kindly informed him that I don't like myself when I am with him and to please grant me some space.  The same day, another angered me so much that I made an immediate and hopefully permanent decision to cut him from my life.  For two whole days, I was down to one.  In some ways, it was liberating and in some it was very complicated.  The one that I was left with was due to circumstance and heavy emotional black mail throughout the years.  Can anyone say, Stockholm syndrome????  I have spent the last three years trying to slowly back out of whatever this is with him.  He did something despicable a few years ago.  By no means his first despicable act but simply his most recent and vile in nature.  If it were not for circumstance I would have rid myself of him a long time ago. He has sensed my distance and has called me out on it several times.  Then the gifts started.  I backed down a bit as always, just to keep the peace.  And then, this happened......  I woke up to a text from the ex who departed last summer.  I was cold and emotionally unavailable.  I wished him the very best and sent him on his way.  And then, this happened......  My car died while I was driving home from work.  This threw everything into complete chaos.  I ended up reaching out to the ex who I had just asked for space and also the ex who departed last summer as I was sitting vulnerable waiting for help.  I was back to three.  To their credit, all three of them came through for me in their own ways.  Two of them worked together to tow my car back to my house and didn't kill each other in the process.  The third made an effort and spent several hours the next night trying to charge and diagnose the issue.   The issue with my car is actually quite huge and outrageously expensive.  Luckily when I purchased the car, I made the adult decision to buy a rather large warranty package.  Thankfully, the repairs and the parts will be covered other than my deductible.  So, Stockholm syndrome ex who is normally the one that I have the least contact with and make the most excuses for.  Yeah, well, he pushed me too far this week.  He turned some constructive criticism regarding the way he was handling a situation with a mutual loved one into all out warfare.  He attacked me like I was his enemy and not the person hoping to help him.  So, he is gone and gone he will stay.  Our mutual loved one is mature and also sensitive enough to see that this is not emotionally healthy for me.  Our mutual loved one sees what a miserable asshole this man is and has encouraged me to drop him like it's hot. So, done.  So, now I am down to two.  I don't really know how to disentangle myself from one of them.  While he is the most miserable man on the planet he is unfailingly loyal in some ways.  Right now, my car has about a week more in the shop and quite frankly I need him during this time.  The other, who just resurfaced is a delightful friend.  It's when the line crosses that things become unbearable.  I've told him that I won't be letting any lines get crossed.  I think we are on the same page, but, I give you, Dan Hill who explains things better than I ever could:

At times I'd like to break you
And drive you to your knees
At times I'd like to break through
And hold you endlessly
At times I understand you
And I know how hard you try
I've watched while love commands you
And I've watched love pass you by
At times I think we're drifters
Still searching for a friend
A brother or a sister
But then the passion flares again

And that is what I need to avoid.  Because a part of me knows that if I didn't have all of these surrogates taking care of me, taking care of different parts of me and my needs that I would be a different person.  Part of me knows that I can't let anyone really in until I can let these shadows and ghosts truly go.  All of me knows that at the point, I am destined to be alone because I can't let anyone really in.  I pick, prod, and test.  I bitch, snip and push as hard as I can.  Maybe I don't really need anyone.  Maybe I really am a solitary bitch.  But, days like today, I am hurting and aching for someone to sit next to me.  Quietly speak and rub my back...........

Even on the darkest night
When empty promise means empty hand
Soldiers coming home
Like shadows turning red

And when the lights of hope
Are fading quickly then look to me
I'll be your homing angel
I'll be in your head

Because you're lonely in your nightmare
Let me in
And there's heat beneath your winter
Let me in

I see the delta traces
Living lonely out on the limb
And a passing glimmer
Warm beneath your skin

Please tread gently on the ground
When all around you earth turns to fire
Only get a second chance
When danger's on the wind

Because you're lonely in your nightmare
Let me in
Because there's heat beneath your winter
Let me in

Must be lucky weather
When you find the kind of wind that you need
C'mon show me all the light
And shade that made your name

I know you've got it in your head
I've seen that look before
You've built your refuge
Turns you captive all the same

Because you're lonely in your nightmare
Let me in
And it's barren in your garden
Let me in
Because there's heat beneath your winter
Let me in

Because you're so lonely in your nightmare
Let me in
And it's cold out on your stone range
Let me in
Because there's heat beneath your winter
Let me in