I miss my cousins. Not the cousins most would think if they read this. Growing up, I had a shit ton of cousins. Most were not my age. Close to my age, I had three cousins that lived down the road from my maternal grandparents. I say road, bc up there is like nothing most of us have ever experienced growing up, "down below". My grandparents and most of my mom's family lived 6 plus hours away and we were just different people. I had luxuries they couldn't fathom. I was at best a mouthy and spoiled child but even if I had not been they would've ended up disliking and resenting me just by the things that I had and how easy they percieved that I had it. You see, "up north" things just run by a different clock and a different lifestyle. I never believed my dad when I was younger when he said that people up there only worked six months out of the year and collected unemployment the other six. Now, I do. My dad percieved it as laziness but I view it differently. For them it was survivalism. They weren't capable of doing the type of work that he did or even what I do now for living. They were mostly unskilled physical labor. They also didn't really know any other way because they are all living within ten miles of where they were born. I deeply respect some aspects of their lives/hustle/struggle. For example I don't remember having store purchased pickles until I moved out of the house when i was 19. There was always a ready supply in our basement and in their cellar. I must be on some kine of musical voyage and ephiphony tonight. I have listened to like ten straight Elvis Costello songs now. Again, loooved one song from him and I consider that to be my definitive song but didn't consider myself a fan until this moment. If you ever wanna know me, listen to the song Veronica, by Elvis Costello. B/C that is me in a nutshell. Anyway, the cousins that I am speaking of were all around my age. One a year younger, one a year older and one three years older. The oldest seemed to be everything that I wanted to be. I aspired to be her. I started buying my clothes through mail order from a company that actually specialized in beach wear. I started listening to different music to seem "older" like her. I thought her teenage years would be the type that I would later have. I think that is where the nostalgia for that era of music comes from. I am nostalgic for a time that I never had. Actually looking back, my teenage years seem a bit tame in comparison and I am glad that they were. I was particularly close to the youngest daughter who was a year younger than I. Looved Tonia and was shocked to find the sweet, almost air headed girl and teen was a cynical and jaded young woman the last time we spoke. I always felt she would be the same goofy girl. As adults we just dont vibe and that is very sad since she was always the one reason my trips up north were bearable. The strange thing is that it turns out that John dated one of the oldest's friends in college so when I showed up at a family gathering with him they already knew each other. I suppose it was bound to happen, he didn't grow up all that far away from my family.
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