It's so easy to fall back into whats easy or comfortable. I am broke, sick, and trying to quit smoking all at the same time. It's been over 48 hours without a cigarette and counting. This morning, I ripped the patch off knowing it was making me sicker than without it. Since then I have had about six "waves" of wanting to kill myself for one more smoke. Luckily, I've played this game before. I give in and have just "one" more cigarette. It doesn't taste the same as it did a mere 48 hours before and actually makes me feel like shit. But, because I broke down I feel "forced" to continue smoking so that I won't have to go through nicotine withdrawal again. I tell myself it's just til I finish this pack or whatever crazy excuse I think that I can slip by me.
I'm broke. I have been broke since before I got paid and after I got paid. I am so very grateful to have my car fixed. But, I really can't afford to go anywhere or do anything. This is okay b/c since my body started weakening again yesterday I do not wish to go anywhere or do anything. I just want to sleep and play my game. Maybe make a list of things that I would like to do when I am feeling better. My stove is an asshole. When I moved in here, the stove was brand new. It has went out at least 30 times in the last year. When it goes out there is no rhyme or reason. Basically the only fix is to tug on the circuit breaker and if it works, great! Sometimes it takes days for this to happen. The repair man said to call if it happened again and he would fix it completely. That was four or five times ago. Shortly I will run out of microwavable crap to sustain myself with so this better get fixed asap. I haven't seen this side of protein in about a week.
I'm sick. It is so messed up that I can't just be having a hard time emotionally or physically. They tie in together and make for one big mess. I slept all day yesterday and with only four hours booked awake I went back to bed for the night. I just got up..... That said, I feel sooo much better and more positive today. Tonight is game night/Suzanne's bday so no matter what I have to suck it up and put on the "show" regardless.
I need some help. I have a ton of things that I need physical help with. I can't tell you what I would do for some money right about now. But, as bleak and blue as things looked the last few days. I'm okay. As much as I ache to have all of these ridiculous things done around the house and moved to the basement. I'm okay. I've become so lazy. Before I got sick, I tried to mitigate the amount of time spent with those assholes and really thought about how to avoid them entirely. Since I can no longer do what I did and I wasn't all that great before since I have no upper body strength, I caved. I stopped even trying. I stopped being creative or taking things one step at a time for the easier option of letting someone else just do it. Beyond random but when I was a teen I lived for fries with thousand island. Thousand Island now is just plain nasty. So i'm detoxing. Not just from cigarettes but from the "support" unit that has been part of my life for the last 18 plus years. Despite how uncomfortable this is, how broke I am , how painstakingly drama free, how right this is.......... I will prevail
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