This has been a long three days and one more to go before I am back to the drudgery and the routine that is work. If you ask me on the right day I will tell you, the truth. That a part of me needs work. Maybe not this work, but the surety of work with it's routine. Somehow I managed to forget to take any of my meds including pain meds for the last few days. It made me feel better to know that is why my emotions have been all over the place. I'm kinda scared to go back and read what I wrote during this time. It's been dark, here.
I've been struggling with purpose for the last few years. If you asked me at any point in my life what I wanted to be, the only constant you would find is that I would say, Mother. My baby is all grown up and seemingly doesn't need me anymore. This is glorious on so many different levels and scary to boot. I think that we are at a point in our relationship that I have peaked at least until he has children. If he has children. At that point, he may edge back closer but only if his wife is tolerant of me. Other than motherhood and well, hopeful impending grand parent status I don't really know what's left. I know now that most of this is the lack of medicine talking but it's pretty much where I was all weekend. Trying to figure out if going further is really necessary or needed. I am at a point in my life where I expect that my contemporaries will start passing. I am not afraid of getting older or what that brings other than the almost certain incline of pain. But, this Prince thing really threw me for a loop. I was a casual fan at best. I actually found him to be quite disarming. But, damn all of these people that I once admired are dropping off like flies.
In some happier shit, Mia laid on my chest for almost an hour today. Shaun came home about a year ago. Bless his silly heart. With his penchant for announcing that he is on his way when you call him, mrrrrow-omph.
My apartment hates me. Bad stove, sink and dishwasher. It's almost impossible for me to keep up on things when everything is always broken. So I make deals with myself. I don't know what kind of motivation that I think I am providing but the only one that I am hurting is myself. I tell myself that I can't do anything fun/creative until the house work is all done. Some days, hell most days that's a lot. I understand my own motivation but I need to find some other way to handle it b/c all that does is bring me down in a multitude of ways. So, it's just another kind of self mutilation. Because if I can't create, I honestly, truly may as well be dead. Because i'll already be dead inside.
Lover lover why do you push
Why do you push, why do you push
Baby baby, did you forget about me
I've been standing at the back of your life
Back row center just above the ice
Please don't ask me how I've been getting off
No please don't ask me how I've been getting off
Break my body, with the back of your hand
Doesn't make sense from where I stand
Baby, baby why you wanna mess it up
Sooner or later I'll find my place
Find my body better fix my face
Please don't ask me
How I've been getting off
No please don't ask me
How I've been getting off
It's a fine line between pleasure and pain
You've done it once you can do it again
Whatever you done don't' try to explain
It's a fine, fine line between pleasure and pain
It's all the same
It's all the same
It's all the same
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