Some days she isn't even sure if her name is Veronica

I was once a very happy and bubbly person. So much so that a former love called me Tigger b/c I bounced from place to place. That pretty much died along with my oldest son. But, I was still able to fake it til I maked it and fool some of the people, some of the time. Sometimes, I even managed to fool myself into thinking that I was momentarily happy. Truth is, maybe I was never happy but I was too young and naive to know it. All I know is right now, I don't even know if my name is Veronica........... I feel like things are so dark and bleak and will never been happy and sparkly again. I am being forced to give up almost everything that I hold dear. Most are just things which are nbd but giving up my darling felines even for a moment is breaking me. The last time I had to have someone care for my pet, they were negligent and he ended up dead. I'm just terrified that the same thing will happen to my darling cats. They are even treating me differently like they know. This isn't my choice, but, right now there is no other way. It figures that for the first time in prolly two months that I want to sketch and every single creative thing that makes me, me is packed in a sterile storage cube that I can't access. I know that there are people that have it far worse than I do. At least in my defeat, I now have a couch to call my own for a few nights. I was also quite self confident in the not that distant past. RIght now I can't even look myself in the eye in the mirror without cringing. I even LOOK Defeated. I have had an interesting life and have had my fair share of adversity. But, before I had the conviction that everything would be alright. I don't have that this time. I'm lookin at this as the beginning of the end for me. If life continues this hateful stance towards me and I lose one more soul, beit animal or human I will take a short leap off a big cliff. I can't lose one more thing that I truly love. My life has just been a never ending series of goodbyes to who and what I love. I'm soooo tired of saying goodbye. Maybe it's time I said goodbye first. Veronica sits in her favorite chair, she sits very quietly still. They call her a name that they never get right and if they don't then nobody else will. She used to have a carefree mind of her own and a devilish look in her eye. SHe would say you can call me anything you'd like but my name is Veronicaaaaaaaa