Stagnant

No lyrics that I can think of or floating through my mind today that apply here. Just feeling very silly, trite and stupid. My bff lives for the hope of being in love again one day. I honestly believe she has never truly been in love or she prolly wouldn't wish for it so heartily. I live for the hope of a fulfilling life again one day. I don't know who will win if this is a contest or just plain gets her wish. But, I am sooo tired of feeling like a love struck foolish idiot and feel like the entire world can see through me. First off, I do not want to be in a relationship. I don't like being tied down and I also don't like unspoken expectations. Most men can't communicate what they really want, like, "I want you to be the perfect wife and housekeeper. I want you to be my sexual slave and only put out for me, but, I want to be able to whore around and do whatever I want while I don't give you a second of time to be alone without the kids and I." I believe that is my ex-husbands basic idea of what he wanted from our marriage. That said, I have a problem. Well, I have many problems but the two that are plaguing me right now are: 1) I don't want to be in a romantic relationship or have any expectations on me for such 2) I am head over heels crazy in like with a guy that no longer exists and no longer can stand me 1) I have an ex, a significant ex. Like the type you read about reconciling with umteen thousand years later and running off into the sunset with. For years and years I thought he would come for me and sweep me away. He finally did end up coming for me and basically, I swept him to the side. I love him, omg do I love him. Sooo much history and now a mutual love of making/creating art. An amazing connection through humor. But, I don't love him-love him as I would need to in order to set aside my own life and my own future goals. I know that I could easily just give in and one day we would end up married after shacking up for some time. That we would be compatible in most ways and prolly never fight again bc we know whats at stake this time. But, ultimately I have become a very solitary person and he is a person who needs someone with him all of the time blowing up his ego and making him feel good about himself. I can't lose myself in someone else's quest to become whole, again. I do that all of the time. I feel like a giant piece of swiss cheese where people have nibbled away at me diluting what I have to give myself. 2) A couple of years ago, I ended up in a very intense emotional relationship. We had what I would deem as a profound emotional connection. I was quite happy as things were and was okay with the state of the union or non union as the case may have been. Then he bolted citing confusion. Since the beginning he tried to shame me for having any feelings for him. Admittedly things are a bit complicated but much less than we thought at the time. He also denied having any feelings in return even though I felt it was complete crap. Fast forward two years later and we are thrown together by circumstance much in the same way as before. He is angry, hateful and a complete bastard. Even when he is attempting to be nice, he's a douche. When angered, he screams at me at the top of his lungs, scaring me. In short, this is not the person I fell for but I still can't get past these lingering feelings. It's so counterproductive, useless and honestly, psycho bc who wants to be invalidated, sniped and screamed at? He is also just so very arrogant and pious. I try my best not to be around him b/c when I do, I feel like I am wading through large shards of emotional glass trying to avoid the fn landmines just waiting for me to take a misstep. I need to get over this b/c either the man that I liked never existed or he no longer exists. I'm love struck, crazy about a figment of my imagination b/c it's the only way I can see the person I once knew and cared for. When I do see him, I freeze up and don't know what to say and feel like i am babbling or I just do what he does and ice him out the same way he does me. It's easier than trying to pretend I don't care when I so totally do. It just occurred to me that maybe that is why he does that, but, I don't think so. He is just so hateful and condescending towards me that I feel he legit hates me. I am not entirely innocent in his feelings of hatred. I was a mess at that time and having a spot of a midlife crisis. I was drinking all of the time. During that time, I prolly drunk texted him a jillion times. I should never have control of my cell while drinking. Some of the things he says that I said or did, I can't even fathom doing or saying. But, the man I liked before had integrity. I hope this new, boorish asshole version of himself does too b/c I have taken note of all that he claimed. So I beg the question, how do you get over what never was? Emotionally we were so connected that despite his claims to the contrary, I felt quite fulfilled emotionally to the point that for some time I stopped seeing other men. It's really only been the last year and a half that I have really tried to make new relationships work or invested in them. For the record, I am not a simpleton nor was this my first rodeo. I normally wouldn't ignore a man's words of protest when confronted with their feelings for me. His eyes spoke volumes and basically discredited his words of protest. He would look at me and my stomach would drop like a teenage girl. Now, I feel like such an asshole. But, I don't want to give him the satisfaction of knowing that he still has any effect on me. This week, I attempted to call in a carry out for a salad. I almost hung up when I realized that the salad instead of simply being called a Greek salad like it would anywhere else, was named the "insert douches name here" salad b/c it added dill. I hate myself more and more each day for this. I hate the fact that he made me hate myself for it. But, I hate what we have become more than anything else. Embittered, combative strangers. I feel we still share an emotional connected that is now mired with distrust and anger. I hate that I can "feel" him before even seeing him and know before even speaking how he is going to act b/c of the energy surrounding him. Right now I have no outlet. I have no way to creatively express myself and my feelings and I think that is part of the issue. I honestly never expected to be thrown into a situation that dictated that we have contact regardless of the anger between us. That should abate shortly and I think that time far away from him with my darling kitties and my art and i'll be okay. But until then, I feel soooo brutally stupid and pathetic.