That disgusting piece of filth returns tonight. I know in my heart of hearts that no matter what I do, no matter how much I better his disgusting home and clean it beyond what it was when he moved in, it will never be enough. Nothing I do is good enough, I "trashed" his house, I am a useless pathetic cunt. OMG how I hate him and myself even more for being here. I have done everything that I can to try to get the fuck outta here and onto the next chapter in my life and life isn't cooperating at all. AND, I should know better than to expect my dad to be anything than what he is. An emotionally unavailable jerk to me, a revered father and grandfather figure to those that he feels deserve him more than I do. Yeah.........................it's not his fault. It's mine. I expect him to be a traditional father when indeed I am anything but a traditional daughter. Or maybe I am. The daughter that doesn't want to live a blue print life of his or even want the same things from it that he does. I just wish I had one thing, one little thing that I could find to stabilize myself. I need some security, some backing, without it being a man to be "it"for me. I need a sign that I am still doing the right thing and taking the right path to my future physical and emotional well being. And, I can't figure out a simple, cheap or free costume to wear on Saturday night nor do I even want to. I went out to the store earlier simply to once again escape this hell hole. I left as I was wearing a former crushes' hoodie that I recently ended up with due to circumstance weighing me down at every turn, fucker is huge and so was his hoodie. What was gloriously warm in this freezing hell hole was suffocating outdoors. I must've looked like a damn idiot with how big it was on me and I didn't care. I had escaped, for an entire hour from my own reality. So, that struggle was bearable. Maybe i'll dye my hair black again and go as myself from before my heart died and I gave up on life. I was rear ended the other day and it did no damage to either vehicle and was the other parties fault as I was stopped at a red light and they let their foot off the break while waiting behind me. But, since then I have been in massive pain. Not that I am not always in pain but this is different. My OB/Gyn has been "watching" an ovarian cyst for fn years now and it conveniently ruptured about the exact time of the "accident". Yeah......................I don't want to pick up this mofo from the airport to his constant barrage of insults and hateful comments. I would rather just take a long nap where I can forget my real life again for awhile..............
Maybe things ain't been so good at home
And the people that you love never cared at all
You want to run away, don't care where you go
You want to run away, run away, that's all you know
Believe it's alright to fantasize
And say the words you think will satisfy me
But you know better than that
'Cause you know what's a lie
You're living in dreamtime, baby (you want to run away)
It's time to wake up, ooh
You're living on dreamtime, baby (you want to run away)
It's time to shape up
In your dream, it's overcast
Rain comes down, moving your way fast
You want to run away, don't care where you go
You want to run away, run away, that's all you know
You turn a corner and you see a door
Walk on through, throw yourself on the floor
Oh, when you're looking up, it's no surprise
Standing there is a man with movie star eyes
You think he's gonna take care of you
The man with the plan that'll see you through
And I say there ain't no way
'Cause I know he's a lie
You're living in dreamtime, baby (you want to run away)
It's time to wake up, ooh
You're living on dreamtime, baby (you want to run away)
It's time to shape up, shape up
You're living on dreamtime (you want to run away)
Whoa-whoa
You're living on dreamtime, baby (you want to run away)
Want to run away, want to run away
I know
I say
You're living in dreamtime, baby (you want to run away)
Shape up
You're living on dreamtime, baby (you want to run away)
It's time to wake up
I never saw anybody fall apart so fast
You're living in dreamtime you know it ain't gonna last
Never saw anybody think she's so right and be so wrong
Living in dreamtime, it's hard to carry on, girl
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